How to give grace to your partner during the quarantine

I saw the absolute best meme of what couples look like weeks into quarantine. It went something along the lines of two Pomeranians just barking at one another and then laying down in their separate quarters. This is 100% accurate and oh-so-relatable to so many people right about now. We’re home, we’re stuck and “shelter in place” has gone from the stage of disbelief and enchantment to the now anger and sadness of loss, disruption and frustration. So similar to the ways and stages of grief that’ve been so articulately described in so many other online articles.

Things feel difficult, sluggish, messy and people are getting on one another’s last damn nerve at this point. If you’re finding yourself frustrated with your partner right about now, you’re not alone. Here are a few tips to help you stay both seen and sane from one another as we make our way through the quarantine. 

Give one another physical and emotional space.

It’s a rarity when couples have the exact same way to process the world around them. Most common is the couple where one wants to spend more time with the other or there’s hovering, neediness, restlessness, or any number of other emotional/physical elements. If you’re getting along, awesome! Still take physical and emotional space from one another. If you’re not getting along, take it sooner than later. Emotional space looks like not relying, depending, or asking your partner for their support for a short period of time. Do you ask your husband to grab you coffee on his way home from the grocery store? Maybe skip it this time. Chill on asking for favors and little extras for a minute. It’s honestly the exact opposite of holding space for someone else, and it’s more about holding space for yourself.

If you can’t be empathic, say so and don’t flub it.

Resentment is the very last thing anyone needs to be harboring right about now. If you feel like you’re forcing yourself to be empathic then you’re also likely to feel like you can’t offer the support or emotional intimacy in that very moment. Faking it feels a lot like stuffing your own feelings away. If you’re not in the right headspace, say so supportively. Things like, “I want to be as present as I can be for you, can we talk a little later?” or “I’m feeling like I can’t be as supportive as I want to be right now because I’m so stressed out” go a looooooong way. 

Focus on the problem, not the person.

Your husband or wife or partner did not cause the pandemic. They just did not. They may be causing you other ailments though. Before you blow off steam at him or her, check-in with yourself about what all this emotion you’re feeling is really about. Is it about them or is it about the fact that you just.cannot.be.inside.another.second. Regardless of the reason, avoid blame and criticism and focus instead on needs, wants, and solutions.

Cool it on the “just kiddings,” and flippant comments.

These get annoying, there’s just no other way to say it and when you’re around someone 24/7 for a long period of time, respect the fact that everyone is walking on eggshells. You very well may be the funniest person you know, but there’s nothing funny about putting someone else down to make a joke or a point or making passive-aggressive, back-handed comments about the way your partner does something. No one needs the added annoyance, negativity, or extra effort it takes to read between the lines. Be clear and express your needs and wants directly without making your partner the butt of some joke. 

Play and/or move.

Does working from home keep you sitting down a lot during the day? Are you looking at screens most of the day or even more than you ever have before? Take a visual break and move around your house, or your backyard. Go for a walk. We hold stress and tension in our bodies and the only way to work it out is to literally work it out. Do something lighthearted and fun, even if that just means cooking or folding laundry to music. This is a great time to break out old school board games too. 

Give grace like it’s your full-time job.

I know, I know. This might require you to dig deep. So deep. Like deeper than you may have ever dug before. Grace is something we could all use right now. Whether or not you or your partner are handling this quarantine anxiety-ridden or calm and zen-like, extend grace. It’s such an extension of love to receive it but it’s also so incredibly pleasant to offer as well. Give grace to your partner and grace to yourself as much as you can.