LESSON TWO EXERCISE: THE WISH LIST

The Wish List

Think back to the past couple days, weeks or months you’ve spent with your spouse. Then think about things that he or she has done that have hurt you. These hurts don’t have to be scarring deep wounds, but any time you felt, what I call, a “ding.”

A “ding” is something you feel, a twinge of difference or slight hurt that’s a result of an action. It’s noticeable but it may not be big enough for you to have taken a direct action about. Lots of times these "dings" add up to real resentments but in the moment we think we're shrugging them off. 

While you're working on your Wish List, try to be as present-oriented as possible, meaning use recent examples as much as you can. 

This is the fun part. I want you to spend time here, and really think this through. Go through each of the examples you listed and then answer the question, “What would you have wanted your wife or husband to do instead?” Again, you are going to need to dig deep, be creative but realistic as well. 

While you may feel silly or embarrassed filling out this worksheet, try to push through and do it anyway. If you can harness some creativity and really start turning on your imagination, this exercise will prove itself to be incredibly useful for you. 

Conscious Partnering
You’re sharing your wish lists only to one another because they are solution- and strengths-based as opposed to criticisms and laundry lists of what you and your partner haven’t done well. No one wants to lean into that. 

As you each share your wishlists, remember while your partner is speaking, this isn’t about you. This is about your spouse letting you know what he or she wishes for. This is about your marriage and where she or he wants it to go and what she or he wants it to look like. It’s vital here that you approach this with absolutely an open mind and an open heart. When you made a commitment to one another, you didn’t just commit to the easy stuff and the responsibilities, you committed to become a partner. 

Being able to wish together also has the incredible benefit of hope- and dream-building. When we can do this with our partner, create shared dreams and goals, we start feeling connection, togetherness and support. We also feel like we're working together on a common goal. That sense of kinship and connection can be a real mood-shifter and elevate our energy around each other.