What can you do if you feel shame around race right now?

George Floyd’s video-recorded murder was a shock to so many and a confirmation to so many more. Since his death, protests and riots have ensued. Towns have been both damaged and brought together and people who’ve lost their voices or have been silenced are now being heard as opinions start forming and platforms are lifted. There is much to talk about and much to be said and yet for many white people right now, there’s deep confusion, feelings of displacement and a new shame we’ve not felt before.

While some people know exactly what to think and do, it’s also a new time of unrest emotionally and mentally for others. For some, doing something about the state of the world and the injustices being seen is cast over by the shadow of also wanting to hide and say nothing because they’re scared, confused and don’t want to make matters worse.

The spectrum of thought, curiosity and beliefs around racial injustice is not only systemic but interpersonal.

Going inward into your core self and getting really curious will undoubtedly lead you down a very vast and very long path, one of many. There are so many tangled webs that exist within the issues that have been brought up in the world in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. From micro and interpersonal, to macro and systemic there’s a lot to take a deep, hard look at. How do I be the best human I know how to be with the issues at hand? How do I parent and teach within the realm of racism and what do I want to say? How do I lead in this? How can I show my support in this? How can I explain my opinions in this? How can I ask questions and be curious without feeling like I’m saying something wrong? What do I do? 

While George Floyd’s death was the very last straw for black people, people of color, and other men, women and even children who’ve been awoke and aware of the significant racial injustice present in the United States, it was also the very first impressionist connection of what racism and privilege look like for many white people. People are finally making the connection and becoming aware of the pain, hurt and historical abuse in black lives but we have a long way to go and so much more to learn and do. And there’s a lot to talk about. In any relationship that exists and is pressed for change, there is always more than one emotion, one thought or one voice. The issue of racial injustice is being illustrated right now on a global scale. But the issues have also illustrated what happens for people individually and internally as well on their very private, interpersonal levels and lives. 

I am a couples therapist. One of the things I help people do is attempt to understand (not always agree) where their partner is coming from. Expanding deep empathy and encouraging people to be vulnerable in order to grow individually and interpersonally is work I take seriously because from where I sit, it’s the only way we can truly grow. Most of the time, no two people in my office are coming to the table with the exact same point of view or emotional response to something. Sometimes one spouse is ready for a divorce and is sitting with defined thought-out resolution and a resentful heart while the person who’s just learning about it for the first time is sitting in such shock and disbelief they’re unable to comprehend the how or why. People in relationships everywhere are at different places in their hearts and heads much of the time, coming together from very different spaces. 

While many of us try desperately to convince our partners, friends, family members, anyone we’re in a disagreement with to come to our side of the table, to agree with us and our point, it’s often futile. And using force, anger, oppression or violence to do so will only result in more unrest. You cannot force someone over to your side who doesn’t know why they’re sitting there or believe it’s the right space for them. And if they go, are they there authentically, because they know why and have gone with their conviction? In any conversation, persuasion as a motive is a tough one to get someone to align to, so how do we get to resolution? How do we make this work? 

Dismantling shame and encouraging vulnerability in a safe space is the most direct path to growth between people in relationships and within themselves. This is what can create more empathy and understanding between people, but in order to do that we have to be present. Herein lies the problem: it’s incredibly uncomfortable. There is an inability humans have to tolerate discomfort. Yet the lesson in this is so important: We can tolerate discomfort and need to tolerate discomfort in order to become stronger, more convicted humans. We cannot, however, do this if in the face of deep, unlabeled shame.

When people feel an imposed sense of shame and blame, they are less likely to also be in a place of personal exploration.

Yet this is exactly where we need to be. Dismantling and disarming contempt and resentment has to happen in my office, in homes, and within relationships with others in order for space to be safe and self- and relational-exploration to begin to happen. But first and most importantly we have got to look at our own internal messaging and interpretation of why we’re feeling what we’re feeling. The messages often have much more to do with ourselves than others.

I don’t believe the world we’re being shown and the racism we’re learning about right now is intended to create shame. Yet shame is showing up in people inevitably and irregardless as it does. Many white people are feeling unlabeled shame around their color, race, and privilege for the first time. For black people and people of color, this is not new, this is historical. This is where we can finally start to gain some understanding though. This is where there becomes a tremendous opportunity to grow as a race and as a nation. If we let our personal shame get in the way, it becomes an excuse and a place to stay instead of a place to start getting super curious about. Unlabeled, unacknowledged shame creates pain, suffering, and anger which makes defensive shields thicker in order to protect instead of disarming in order to grow.

Shame is the ultimate sense of not belonging, being so incredibly unworthy that we have no place. Yet how does feeling as though we have no place help the world? This is, after all, where the pain we’re watching play out live and in front of us right now has come from. This is where we have the choice whether to pass the shame around, “throw shame” as I call it, or start disarming and lowering it.

Shame is not the goal now nor do I believe there’s a place for it ever. While you may be feeling confused, fearful, uncertain of what to say or do, know that those emotions when dug into and peeled back, can help you discover things about yourself and humanity and grow in such a way, learning and feeling things you’ve never explored before. Shame though, when left to its own devices, keeps us quiet and away from relating. Alone, scared and small, often angry, defensive and avoidant.

The lesson the world, black people and people of color are trying to teach white people right now isn’t about feeling shame. The lesson is about the share. To give voice to the quiet. To use our privilege to lift up and welcome in, not shun, cast away, or wallow in. If you’re not black or a person of color yet shame has been creeping into your self as of late, it’s a really good time to start self-exploring. Why do you feel shame? Where did it come from? How did it get there? If you feel shame, look within. 

Many are asking one another and themselves, “What should I do now?” I love this quote from my friend and incredibly wise woman Patty Oji, Leadership Development and Strategic Coach: “My white brothers & sisters: An imperfect step is the Only way forward.”