Sexual desire, intimacy & how it impacts your marriage
de·sire: A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. (Also) Strong sexual feeling or appetite. Similar: wish, lust, passion.
du·ty: A moral or legal obligation; a responsibility. (Also) Done from a sense of moral obligation rather than for pleasure. (Also) A task or action that someone is required to perform. Similar: obligation, obedience, job.
“We have such bad history around sex.”
“I don’t think about it at all.”
“I can live the rest of my life without it.”
If you’ve found yourself saying something like this in your marriage, you’re not alone. Many couples struggle with sex in some way at some point in their marriage. Sometimes, these issues can creep up out of seemingly nowhere and leave the same way as well. Other times, and more likely, sex becomes something we avoid, dread, or otherwise become numb to over a period of time. It can feel much more like just another duty versus an actual desire or want that you have, only existing to satisfy your partner. If you’re finding yourself in this category, know that buried underneath your view of sex with your partner, might lay things that surprise you.
While men struggle with desire, women are actually much more likely to experience low desire in their relationship, losing interest in sex before men do. It’s not because women don’t want to connect with their partner, in fact, quite the opposite. Women look for and desire connection and a sense of togetherness first and foremost. For women, intimacy doesn’t have to mean sex, but sex has to mean intimacy. It’s the culmination of what we’re feeling overall. Desire isn’t just sexual but incredibly emotional especially for women.
Desire is the want and attraction to our partners that can lead to a more active sex drive. For many men, sex drive and desire can present themselves before the other stuff. Not that emotional intimacy doesn’t play a large role as well, the two just work in a bit of opposition for men and women. In men, sexual desire is present, and emotional intimacy or lack thereof influence the strength of that desire. For women however, emotional intimacy creates desire and greatly influences the amount of want we have for sex.
Women are also more likely to experience what’s often referred to as “cognitive labor” too - the overwhelming and exhausting sense of spinning many, many plates. Like just another “job” that needs to get done, sex becomes something else, another thing, that someone is wanting and waiting for. It becomes just a “duty,” if that. And duty might be the space many of us - both women and men - feel we’re at right now.
We’re in a time of unprecedented changes to our family routines and structure around work and school from home. Our obligations, duties, for both men and women, are abundant. When this happens, and things feel chaotic or stressful, it can be very easy to settle into a space of checking boxes and just getting stuff done versus feeling like there’s time and opportunity and even a want to be connected - emotionally or physically. We’re tired, but this is of the temporary, fleeting kind of loss. Losing desire when you’re holding onto what’s been built up over years and experiences, children and responsibilities, resentments, hurts and beliefs surrounding sex, can take much longer to detect and work through in a marriage.
Sexual desire comes from a space not only of having a positive attitude surrounding sex, experiencing pleasure for oneself (not just the partner), and feeling connected with your partner, but our sense of value is also at stake. Now it’s no longer a question of “who am I in my relationship?” but “who am I?” It’s a battle of wills in the mind and while we can sometimes physically get to sexual enjoyment even with all the mental chatter, we’re not in the headspace to want sex or feel connected during it. Sex becomes simply transactional.
When we sit in a space of duty we look for reasons (most of the time not very consciously) to stay there and we find them. Rest assured, we will always find what we’re looking for when it comes to evidence against moving toward and leaning in because it’s vulnerable and much more difficult to do so. Duty begets duty begets duty. That is, until we actively try and move the needle, even in just the slightest way, toward desire. It can take a lot of evidence for us to know changing is worth it. Moving toward desire however isn’t a wait and see opportunity, it’s a try and create situation.
If you’re struggling with desire and are finding yourself more fitted into the “duty” category, accessing what you’re holding onto isn’t just vital to you , it’s vital to your sense of self, and your emotional and mental well-being. If you can’t quite work toward leaning into your partner, at the very least, leaning into yourself is of the utmost importance. Self work and deep reflection is that absolute place to start, but we can’t just stay there. Bringing our partners with us on this journey is the thing that’s going to bridge the gap between what you’re thinking and feeling and your sense of togetherness in this.
Start by letting your partner know that you’re committed to working on figuring out where desire has gone for you. Let he or she know that you’re going to be self-exploring, it’s going to take some time, and that they are an important piece to this process. Be clear about what you need from them in order to feel supported. This could mean that you ask that sex be off the table completely while you’re processing this in order for you to get clear on where you’re at. Then, begin diving in and ask yourself questions.
Since I’m a huge proponent of journaling, I always find journaling and time to self-reflect one of the biggest needle-movers when it comes to change. Explore where your ideas around sex came from, what you like and don’t like about sex, what keeps you connected or disconnected from your partner and hurts that you’ve held onto. Reflect and then start talking together. Changing your dynamic around sex is a very personal process, but it’s one that can’t stay in your headspace alone. What we experience personally affect our relationships greatly and our relationships often impact our sense of emotional wellness around everything else. Knowing you can count on your partner for support and encouragement will make all the difference in how your desire is impacted through this process.
Questions about sex to get you talking
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your satisfaction with our sex life?
What’s something that you’d like to do differently?
What is sex about for you?
Does your expectation of what our sex would be like fit with our reality?
Was there a time you felt our sex life was better?
How and when do you feel most connected with me?
What makes you want to have sex with me?
After we’ve had sex, what do you feel?
What feels good for you outside of intercourse?
