The idea of a separation and/or divorce crosses the minds of many who’ve lost the hopeful, dreamy visual of growing old watching the sunset together to the day-to-day mundane and, at times, resentful life of adulting and divide. These waters are murky and confusing and often keep you in a place of holding. If you’re finding yourself stuck here, you may get some clarity and direction.

Judgement. It’s everywhere and in every realm and phase of life. We worry about it or we do it (one of the two) even when we don’t mean to. Sometimes out of a bad habit that’s been around awhile, and sometimes on purpose. And whether you’ve worked on it or not, have a reason for it (that you’ve convinced yourself of) or don’t, it’s there.

Judgement. It’s everywhere and in every realm and phase of life. We worry about it or we do it (one of the two) even when we don’t mean to. Sometimes out of a bad habit that’s been around awhile, and sometimes on purpose. And whether you’ve worked on it or not, have a reason for it (that you’ve convinced yourself of) or don’t, it’s there.

Many couples struggle with sex in some way at some point in their marriage. Sometimes, these issues can creep up out of seemingly nowhere and leave the same way as well. Other times, and more likely, sex becomes something we avoid, dread, or otherwise become numb to over a period of time. It can feel much more like just another duty versus an actual desire or want that you have, only existing to satisfy your partner.

How is it that in a partnership, two people can walk away from one conversation feeling so utterly different on the spectrum of connection and shame? Vulnerability and sharing our feelings is supposed to connect us, I mean, therapists (such as myself) push transparency like the new drug that’ll take you places you’ve never been. So how is it then that sharing something so vulnerable, so change-making for one person can take their partner into a shame spiral for days?

Using times and experiences in your life, even if they were moments, to show and illustrate what you need instead of waiting to have big conversations around what you need and why you need it can totally change the vibe, comfort level and confidence you carry with you into all parts of your world.

Sometimes it’s not enough to simply “be aware” of our emotional experience, or of our thoughts. We need to be able to honor these, instead of noticing or even justifying them (these are two different things). Next time you’re in a self-reflective space, challenge yourself to expand, to grow a little bit more by finding and holding one additional truth in your head and heart space.

When you’re ready to dive in and find your most authentic self AND THEN continue that growth, taking your new found self and bringing it into a partnership, that’s a BIG deal. It’s an incredibly powerful process with a lot of empowerment behind it but not without the hard and sometimes heart-breaking work of dismantling old stories, beliefs, and attachment styles and getting to know yourself and your partner in a whole new way.

The “law of attraction,” “manifesting,” “the universe”. They all play a role in the energy, experiences and relationships you create and attract in this world. Yet the ways in which we relate to all people and things is also incredibly influenced by the way we’re wired to see them, aka our attachment style. So how do you know which one really has your back?