Just last week you were SnapChatting and DM-ing each other like you’d been for months or even years. This week she won’t even look at you and you’re left feeling confused, frustrated, and so much more. Your head is spinning and you’re not getting any answers to the questions swirling in your mind. “What happened?” “Why is she acting this way?” And the worst, “What did I do?”

“Vulnerability” and “authenticity” have officially become buzzwords. Yet just because they’re popular doesn’t mean they’re showing up in your relationship automatically. Here are 10 ways to tell if you’re going deep with vulnerability and authenticity to form solid relationship skills and a deeper connection in your marriage.

We all know the words, “I’m sorry.” Anyone can say them and we’re taught to say them from an early age when it comes to making right someone we’ve wronged. Yet why is it that these words do not always heal our pain? Why is that sometimes when someone apologizes it ends up actually pissing us off more?

Many couples struggle with sex in some way at some point in their marriage. Sometimes, these issues can creep up out of seemingly nowhere and leave the same way as well. Other times, and more likely, sex becomes something we avoid, dread, or otherwise become numb to over a period of time. It can feel much more like just another duty versus an actual desire or want that you have, only existing to satisfy your partner.

How is it that in a partnership, two people can walk away from one conversation feeling so utterly different on the spectrum of connection and shame? Vulnerability and sharing our feelings is supposed to connect us, I mean, therapists (such as myself) push transparency like the new drug that’ll take you places you’ve never been. So how is it then that sharing something so vulnerable, so change-making for one person can take their partner into a shame spiral for days?

One of the topics that has come up more frequently in the past few years has been surrounding a sexual molestation in our family, and the stand we’ve taken. And we haven’t always taken the same stand. Those of you reading this who have experienced sexual abuse or trauma can understand easily that sometimes the stand you want to take isn’t supported. Sometimes you stand alone.

How often have you heard, or even said, “you really need to take care of yourself,” without knowing what that truly means? When we think of self care, most of the time we think of things like massages and manicures, spending time on a beach reading a book or even having a few hours to ourselves. But let’s face it, there are so many things that get in the way.

Now’s the time to take what you know of your life and of your family, and start taking charge in making it work for you. At the same time, it’s also a time where there’s a lot we don’t know. So use what you’ve got and what you want to layout your vision of home. But most importantly, be flexible and remind yourself that these are unprecedented times in our lives.

No amount of compliments, affirmations or reassurances can rescue a person from their own self-destructive story. We’re programmed by our experiences and our biology combined and wired so deeply that while flooding someone with positivity may feel like the right thing to do as a quick pick-me-up, it’s like being thirsty and taking a shower instead of drinking a glass of water.

The ego is an impressive entity. With it comes a lifelong relationship we have with our identity, our shame, our doubt and our judgement. This sneaky little sucker is like the epitome of the worst party crasher. It shows up uninvited, never bringing anything, only taking.