Can you hold space for more than one truth?
I’m sitting at my desk, writing this little number you’re reading now. Wandering through the forest of differing paths that is my brain at all times. I feel excited to be writing again and notice that excitement in my gut, traveling down my arms and into my fingertips as they tap the keys. The feeling is warm and eager. At about the same time excitement shows up, so does hesitation. I pause, contemplating whether or not I should continue writing this. I’m noticing the darkness one of the paths has laid out for me in my head. My head, my cognition, my thought process is enough to carry me away. And while I’m aware of this, of these thoughts that I’m carrying, I check in with my body. Yep, I still feel excitement. It’s all true. All at the same time.
Human beings, are quite capable of having more than one process and emotion occurring in our minds and bodies at the very same time. In our own efforts to be as orderly and compartmentalized as possible, we use the head to verse the heart. We neatly tuck things into places and spaces and drawers, only to recall them on command, when we’re “ready” or when it’s “time.” We “allow” ourselves to “feel the feelings.” We journal or talk to our friends to help us disembark the analysis paralysis that is our mind. It’s head time, nope, it’s heart time, bopping back and forth from one to the other. A competitive game of Whack-a-mole. If only life were that binary, or clean. If only there was one right way, and one wrong way. If only I was a math teacher, maybe I’d find a way to a clean, crisp answer. But life isn’t math. There are a lot of ways to get where you need to go, to get through and to grow. These ways aren’t necessarily clean or simple, in fact they are the absolute opposite most of the time. Messy, chaotic, some even make you feel like you’re losing your grip on your own version of reality. But these ways are where the deepest growth happens within you as a human. To siphon these things out would be a complete disservice to the vastness of the lesson you’re learning, the depth of the growth.
We don’t have to think or feel. We don’t have to choose just one emotion or one thought. It may appear to be easier that way, but for most of us, it’s not realistic. Thoughts and emotions can come at us like waves knocking us around near the shoreline. There’s no way to stop them, and the more we attempt to compartmentalize our thoughts and emotions, the more anxiety-provoked we get. The ability to hold thoughts with feelings, to hold space for more than one truth, is called reflexion (not to be confused with reflection), also known as reflexivity or mentalizing. It’s similar to what you may know of as mindfulness, but also different in a way or two as well.
Mindfulness assists us in paying attention, noticing what we’re feeling and being in the present moment, aware and engaged with our senses. We may use that process to afterward, reflect on what we thought, felt and noticed during our practice. Reflexion uses the techniques of mindfulness to practice awareness, and in addition leaves room for subtle interpretations our minds and bodies are making. It’s an active reflection, in real time, an ability to reflect and get to a space where you can recognize that there’s more than one truth. So while I am excited to share this information with you by writing it here, I’m also very aware that I carry with me my own limited beliefs which could prevent me from giving you the information in my own voice. This process, feeling, thinking, contemplating, reflecting, this is reflexion. Similar to mindfulness, reflexion is also a non-judgmental, incredibly curious experience.
When a multitude of thoughts and feelings occur at the same time, mindfulness notices these, and allows them to pass through. Reflexion notices these, picks them up and looks at them from a few different angles, contemplating on and reflecting on the idea that more than one truth does exist. The idea is to be able to hold space for your emotions and thoughts, a few of them, at the same time, even if they are opposite. For yourself, being able to hold this space is an exercise in self-awareness and expands upon your already curious mind. In a relationship, being able to hold more than one truth at a time allows you to experience a deeper level of empathy, relatability and intimacy within yourself and within your partnership.
Sometimes it’s not enough to simply “be aware” of our emotional experience, or of our thoughts. We need to be able to honor these, instead of noticing or even justifying them (these are two different things). Next time you’re in a self-reflective space, challenge yourself to expand, to grow a little bit more by finding and holding one additional truth in your head and heart space.
