Honest and direct: Standing in your truth in conversation

There’s a statement I often make in therapy with people when they question their emotion, and whether or not what they’re feeling is “okay.” I find myself saying often, “You feel what you feel because you feel it.”

There’s really no way around emotion. We all have it, just as we all have thoughts and behaviors. Some of us are wired to think more logically, from our heads and some of us more emotionally, from our hearts. While logic and emotion often end up in conversation with one another, either one of these things can stand on their own. Yet emotion is often questioned, doubted or put aside for fear of logic proving itself to be right.

The truth is, if someone were to keep score of how many times logic won in a fight between the two, I’m almost certain logic would come out ahead. Why? Because it can be proven. Because it can be reasoned with and because it has evidence which throws emotion off it’s A-game. But the reality is, logic and emotion carry the exact same weight, we often simply underestimate it. So how do we explain emotion and give it the stance it deserves? We have to believe it to be true, give it the equal weight it so deserves, and honor that it has its own right to exist.

Believe your emotion to be your truth.

Why is this so difficult to do? Because our programming has told us otherwise. How many times have you walked away from a conversation or an argument with someone, feeling as though you shouldn’t have felt something. Or that what you felt was incorrect. Now what would it be like if I told you you were right to begin with? If I told you that what you felt deserved equal space. Or that your feelings were your voice? Would it make you change your thoughts around what you allow yourself to feel? It might. Instead of looking at your feelings as things that get in the way, look at them as information, as a way in which you get to understand your “why”. Give them time and give them a voice by expressing what you feel when you’re calm.

When we honor emotion we honor the truest, rawest most vulnerable parts of ourselves. These are real. We’re not “crazy.” But honoring them is different from acting on whatever it is we feel at the moment. That’s impulsivity. What I’m talking about is taking our feelings and truly giving them a seat at the table. Giving emotion equal weight means using “I feel,” but it also means, “I honor myself,” as well. Those “I feel” statements you might have heard about from therapy puns are actually a real thing. But they go a lot farther when you follow them up with your “why.” This is how they get the seat at the table and they stay there.

Finally, questioning what you feel allows other people to do the same. When you know your why, you can truly know your what. Stand in your space in a way that feels right to you, one in which you’re not questioning yourself. Let the emotion be there as your guide and then use it as your personal touchpoint or check-in in a conversation. Ask yourself “what is it I’m feeling right now?” to be able to move out of your head and back into your heart.

Logic and emotion are our gifts to communicate with. Use them together to bring language and clarity to what you’re feeling without overshadowing it with what you’re thinking. Use your logic as the vehicle to bring the emotion knowing you’re right about how you feel and why. Your emotion is only yours. No one gets to tell you otherwise.

Be calm. Be clear. Be direct. Be soft. Be warm. Be steady.