Honoring your needs in a relationship doesn’t have to be a big conversation
“Tell me about your perfect weekend” I asked Emily who let out the largest sigh of relief as soon as the question popped out of my mouth. We’d just spent the last 15 minutes of our session together navigating the mental maze of questions she’d been tormenting herself with that started the moment she began a new relationship with Heather.
As Emily began describing the most perfect weekend she could imagine, her mood immediately shifted from heavy, burdened and conflicted to light, playful and full of of joy. In her description were moments of connection with her son, her mom, her girlfriend and unapologetic time alone with herself. You would have thought I was talking to two totally different people from the start of our session up through that moment. The difference in mood was palpable in the room.
Emily had gone from being completely consumed with trying to make sure everyone around her was happy and their needs were met to shifting her focus to a more balanced place, one that included herself. When it comes to working with people, the first thing I do is get to know the natural patters and processes- the ones that come effortlessly. Those become our guard rails for the work we then do in relationships. I had a feeling Emily was operating outside of her own guardrails mentally as she let the self-doubt and her people-pleasing parts take over, which can be an easy go-to, especially if the people-pleasing part is a strong one.
“Tell me what just happened there,” I asked her, curious to hear her observation of herself. “I love my life,” she said. “I love all of my responsibilities and I don’t want any of those to change because I’m in a relationship.” She continued, “and I don’t want to feel bad for taking time for myself because I need that, I absolutely need time for me.” It was incredible to watch Emily shift back into a space where she felt calmer, more in control and more grounded in herself.
Emily illustrated something that happens to so many of us when we start something new, whether that be a new job, a new friendship, even a new romantic relationship. Even if you don’t have a strong people-pleasing part like Emily, if can be so easy to let that new space you’re in take over. So how do you get back to honoring your self once you identify you maybe haven’t been? If you’re worried about hurting the other person’s feelings or feel like you’re stuck, it could actually make you want to start backing out or even exiting the relationship all together.
For starters, your needs are yours. You can do whatever you want with them. You can even ignore them if you’d like although I’d highly dissuade you from doing so since that’s a path to a lot of inner turmoil and inauthenticity, and so many other things that aren’t great. But they’re yours and you need to know that so you can feel like you’re at least aware of and in control of them. You want to ignore them or not pay attention to them? Fine. But you need to know they’re there. We all have needs and there’s no denying that. What we do with them though, that’s our own business.
If your needs are knocking on your door, open it. If, like Emily, you’re at a place where you’re constantly being torn or distracted by your thoughts, it’s a super sign that allowing some space to entertain your needs is a definite must. Do it before they blow your damn house down. Take yourself through an exercise or two of picturing your own perfect weekend and see what comes up for you. You might already even know the needs you’re not operating within. They could be simple and minimal or life-changing and massive. Either way, it’s time to see what they are.
Watch how you feel and how you describe what you need. One of the most common ways to talk about what we need is to begin by defending it. This sounds like, “I’m an only child, I just need to have lots of time to myself.” Or, “I’m with people all day, I just need to be able to wind down and have time to myself at night.” Whatever the reasoning is, know this: you don’t have to defend it. You don’t have to prove why you need what you need. You.Do.You.Boo. The more you feel like you have to create an argument for what you need, the bigger the deal you make of it, the less likely you are to actually talk about it outside of your own head.
“We need to talk” is a sure-fire way to freak someone out. You may have been thinking about your needs for weeks or mere minutes. You could have the most profound clarity on them or still be working through what you’re in need of. But when it comes time to communicate this to your boss, employee, partner, friend, whomever, tee-ing it up to have big conversation will make you and whomever it is on the receiving end very uncomfortable and it’s just not necessary. When you’re in a place of knowing and not proving, you don’t really need to draw that much attention to the point you’re trying to make.
Instead of a big conversation, try this: When you’re ready to start communicating what you need, what you like, what you love, you can do it in a way that’s just part of your conversation instead of the whole thing. Look for ways to insert parts of your needs, and parts of yourself in a very natural, organic feel. For Emily, thinking about having to talk with Heather about how she just needs time alone sometimes felt almost paralyzing. So instead, we came up with a few statements to add to her already flowing conversation. Like “hey heads up, crazy day at work so I’m gonna need to completely space out on my drive home today, call you tomorrow” felt so much more natural, comfortable and way easier to say.
Using times and experiences in your life, even if they were moments, to show and illustrate what you need instead of waiting to have big conversations around what you need and why you need it can totally change the vibe, comfort level and confidence you carry with you into all parts of your world.
