Bestie breakups: Advice for girls on coping with the loss of a friend

Just last week you were SnapChatting and DM-ing each other like you’d been for months or even years. This week she won’t even look at you and you’re left feeling confused, frustrated, and so much more. Your head is spinning and you’re not getting any answers to the questions swirling in your mind. “What happened?” “Why is she acting this way?” And the worst, “What did I do?” When our best friends decide they want out of the friendship, where does that leave us?

Losing a friend #girlproblems
While losing a friend can happen to anyone, females are especially prone to friendship challenges and they happen at every age. There’s a lot of research and writing on this topic, but from what I’ve seen and the girls I’ve worked with there are a few reasons. Girls don’t feel more than boys, but we are much more apt to not speak honestly and openly in front of our friends about our feels. We also have a tendency to operate in groups which can lead us choosing what’s cool over what’s kind and we certainly do not want to be the odd girl out. 

What happened and why? #ghosted
She’s pretending you don’t exist. Here comes confusion, anger and wait for it, sadness. While the term is relatively new, the concept of ghosting isn’t, it just looks a little different now. Girls have been dumping their girl friends ever since there were more than two females on this planet. But we’re upping our game. We used to give dirty looks, talk about one another behind her back, do mean things. Now, we’re cruel. We pretend she doesn’t even exist and we don’t even give her the decency of acknowledging her presence by making the slightest eye contact. Poof. Gone. 

This is one of the hardest, most difficult ways to lose someone, without any explanation at all.  Unfortunately, we’re really unprepared to cope with this kind of breakup because most of the time, this kind of loss happens at a young age, a time when we’ve never even considered losing this person to be a possibility, and certainly not in the way it’s happening.

You’re hurting #copingskills
Know that heartache and heartbreak are universal, most people will go through at least one in their lifetime and sometimes, unfortunately more. The overwhelming feelings of loss and sadness can at times be so great to bare that instead we get mad, because that’s the easier thing to do than sitting with our pain. Know that there are other girls who’ve experienced the loss of a best friend. Know that you’re not alone in what you feel, and know that this probably had much less to do with you than it does with her.  

This isn’t about you #itsnotaboutyou
There are feelings happening inside all of us, every single person. There are also thoughts that are ours, and we cannot possibly know exactly what’s going on inside the minds of our friends, even if they were our best friend. Know that the way someone sees you has nothing to do with you, but with them. We don’t know what they’re thinking or feeling or perceiving. Perception doesn’t need to determine the way you see yourself, or the way the rest of the world sees you. 

Which way to go? #acceptance
Try to avoid making numerous attempts at trying to find answers from her. You’ve asked her once or twice “what’s wrong,” and you’ve gotten nothing, so stop. This might be incredibly difficult to do because unanswered questions create so much confusion and can be really distracting to our daily life. It’s so hard to move on from something that feels so unfinished. But, if she really wanted to tell you, she would. Attempts at connecting with her over and over again aren’t helping you get to a place where you can accept the friendship is over and you’re prolonging the grief. 

Write it out #journal
While you still have to keep up with your day to day, you might take some time to write in a journal, write a letter to her (but don’t give it to her), ask the questions you’d ask her in your journal or letter, or even out loud to someone you trust. Going through the motions of getting these questions out of your head can be really helpful, even if there aren’t any answers to them. 

Take a social media breather #socialmediacleanse
Try to take a social media break or social media “cleanse” for a little while. You determine for how long, but definitely use this opportunity to hide the friend’s feed. You really don’t need to see whether she’s having fun without you or who’s she’s spending time with instead of you.

Grow good feelings #makingotherplans
You might not feel like going out or making other plans with other friends. That’s okay at first, but you can’t stay in that space. Loneliness creates more loneliness. Hang out with your family, even if you think it’s weird, trust me, they won’t. Start seeking out different people to be friends with, who knows, maybe it’s a good time to get a new group going. Even pet your pet, but most of all, surround yourself with people who have the potential to grow good feelings in you. 

How long is too long to grieve? #honorthyself
There is no set amount of time it takes to get over a friendship. There’s no magic number of days or weeks or months or even years. Everyone is different. Everyone grieves differently. You might not want to get out of your pajamas or off the couch, but you will eventually and it’s okay to be sad and honor that feeling for a little while. Sometimes we just have to feel what we feel and give it time. It won’t take forever and things will get better.