10 ways to tell if you’re really practicing vulnerability in your relationship

“Vulnerability” and “authenticity” have officially become buzzwords. Yet just because they’re popular doesn’t mean they’re showing up in your relationship automatically. Here are 10 ways to tell if you’re going deep with vulnerability and authenticity to form solid relationship skills and a deeper connection in your marriage.

You’re Accountable

If you’ve ever heard someone tell you to “take some accountability” what they’re really looking for isn’t just an apology. Being able to truly understand another’s perspective also enables you to recognize when you’ve gone off-course. This is so imperative in the practice of vulnerability as we have to move our pride aside to make space for the accountability. It lets your partner know that you value their needs just as much as your own, you can hear and see the importance of recognizing who they are and where they’re coming from and ultimately they feel seen and heard by you.

You’re Reflective

When you’re reflective you’re showing up in a way that opens you up to feedback, different than criticism, and unpack it to a level of understanding that benefits you. This isn’t about needing to change who you are, but it is about needing to grow deeper in your understanding of yourself. What makes you, you? Why do you hold certain things more important than others? How do you value what’s important to you in your life? And so many more. Another way to look at this is to ask yourself “why?” Why do you do/think/act/eat/breathe/sleep/enjoy what you do? In a relationship this shows up as a willingness to be open and authentic. The deeper you understand yourself, the deeper you can understand your partner, and from this, connection and growth organically happen.

You Listen Without an Agenda

Think about the times when you’ve felt seen or heard? Most likely, these were times when the person sitting across from you was fully and intently giving you the attention you needed. This can be made with eye contact, putting the tech away but above all else, using the time to listen without waiting for your turn to insert your point into the conversation. Listening without an agenda is one of the ultimate ways to show up in your relationship because you’re coming to the table without your armor, your defenses or your pre-judgments. It’s scary and vulnerable to sit there without any of these protective elements, but you’re giving your partner the safest environment possible, allowing him or her to feel truly seen by you.

You Can Accept Influence

Are you always right? Do you think your ideas are always better than your husband’s or wife’s? Do you think you ultimately know the following: a) how to do it better/be better? b) what he or she is going to say or do? c) think you know this person better than they know themselves? If you answered yes to any of the above, chances are you’ve got some armor up and accepting influence is difficult for you. When you’re able to put your pride to the side, space becomes available for empathy, common humanity, and relationship-building. This isn’t about being agreeable as much as it is about building a true partnership. Being able to say to yourself, “hmm, I wonder what the harm would be if I took this suggestion?” or “how would this help him/her out?” is one step in the direction toward togetherness and approachability as opposed to closed-off and closed-minded.

You Recognize When It’s Not About You

Here’s an example: Your partner comes home from work crabby, cranky and irritable. He or she is short with you and attempts at conversation aren’t going well. How you respond determines the level of discomfort you may be comfortable sitting in for a moment.

We’re often offended by our partner’s inability to be present and engaged with us at all times, but the truth is we can’t always be “on” as humans. Sometimes we need time and space, regardless of what’s expected of us as partners. Vulnerability shows up here when you’re not looking for reassurance that he or she isn’t upset with you. A check-in is great, however reacting to him or her because he or she had a moment of bitterness makes this about you and not about what they need, which may just be time, space or support. Leave your shield down and see if you can withstand their discomfort long enough to understand them without putting your needs first.

You’re Paying Attention to the Details

Don’t mistake paying attention to the details with twenty questions or helicopter partnering. This is more like picking up on your partner’s cues, spoken or silent, being genuinely interested in their presence and showing it. When your husband sat down next to you on the couch did you put your phone down and look him in the eye? When your wife came in from work did you look up from the computer to greet her? Notice the small, simple emotions, words, and body language he or she is using and move toward him or her to inquire more about their experience. Avoid thinking about these details as just “one more thing” on your list of things to be responsible for. This is vulnerable because it’s challenging and intentional but makes room for presence and connection.

You’re Not Blaming

Similar to #1, accountability, blame can be incredibly natural for us to use as a defense mechanism when things go array. Why? Because it’s easier than looking within. Taking a moment to check-in with yourself is vulnerable because you may find a few things that need a tune-up. In order to actually see those things however, you have to put down the defenses, and the armor that wants to protect you from exposure. You’re practicing vulnerability in your partnership anytime you’re not firing off how your partner pisses you off, but instead looking at your experience and the story you’re creating to check it with him or her. That’s where opportunities come together for growth.

You’re Following Up

Similar to #1, accountability, blame can be incredibly natural for us to use as a defense mechanism when things go array. Why? Because it’s easier than looking within. Taking a moment to check-in with yourself is vulnerable because you may find a few things that need a tune-up. In order to actually see those things however, you have to put down the defenses, and the armor that wants to protect you from exposure. You’re practicing vulnerability in your partnership anytime you’re not firing off how your partner pisses you off, but instead looking at your experience and the story you’re creating to check it with him or her. That’s where opportunities come together for growth.

You’re Following Up

Hand in hand with #6, following up is about going deeper and often we just want to get the discomfort over with and never look back at it again. This type of following up can be difficult to do because it means you’re willing to bring up a tough topic without waiting to see if your partner’s going to do it. You’re practicing vulnerability here if you’re not avoiding something but instead working and talking through it. Remember the lesson from the children’s book We’re Going on a Bear Hunt? Vulnerability happens when we “can’t go over it, can’t go under it. Oh no! You’ve got to go through it.”

You’re Sharing Who You Are

So often when we’re doing all of the above, we forget to cue our partner’s in on the process of how we’re learning to be more vulnerable and what that experience is like for us. Being vulnerable isn’t only for our partners, it’s for ourselves as well, allowing deeper, more meaningful connections. Share your process, share what life is like for you. Heard a new song you love that makes you feel amazing or reminds you of a special memory? Share it. Made a mistake that had you in a shame storm at work? Share that too. Share the details of your life, what makes you tick, what turns you on, what inspires you. Share the passion just as you would with your best friend.

You’re Being Kind and You Actually Mean it

This sounds easy but we are so good at complicating behaviors, thoughts and feelings and at the same time we have conflicting opinions and advice happening all day long everywhere we look. Being a human in a tech world can mean an overwhelming amount of input, data and a whole lot of second-guessing ourselves and our partners. If you have to ask yourself whether you should extend a peace offering to your partner after an argument, or whether you should grab him or her a cup of coffee, or hand out a compliment, the answer is always yes. Do the kind thing, even if it means you might not get anything in return. How is this vulnerable? Because to be kind you have to stop being so pissed for a second and to do this you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to simply “be” for someone else for a moment. In order to get here, you’re also doing most of the steps above. Being kind is always...kind.