Is this the Universe or is it your avoidant attachment style?
The “law of attraction,” “manifesting,” “the universe”. They all play a role in the energy, experiences and relationships you create and attract in this world. Yet the ways in which we relate to all people and things is also incredibly influenced by the way we’re wired to see them, aka our attachment style. So how do you know which one really has your back?
When it comes to attachment styles, there’s been so much incredible research and resources compiled. From Avoidant to Anxious, and Anxious-Avoidant to Secure, the four attachment styles are the ways in which we develop relationships - intimate relationships - with other people. We use our attachment style, whichever it may be, to prove our deeply wired beliefs about relationships based on our past experiences. Those experiences can be from our childhood and the way we were parented and cared for but they are also influenced by experiences even outside of our parents or caregivers. The way in which you see the world and the people with whom you develop intimacy with has everything to do with your journey up to that point.
Often times people with Avoidant and/or Anxious-Avoidant attachment styles want the same things those in every category ultimately want: a secure partner, someone who’s reliable, committed and wants to grow together. The intention is there, but based on the ways they’re wired to see and feel their way through intimate partnerships, their actions can and often do prevent them from showing up and long-hauling it through the commitment phase. Relationships can appear threatening to their independence and individuality, they can feel smothered or scared about the vulnerability. There’s a lot they’ve been wired to believe relationships are and do to a person. Instead of looking at a situation from the lens of how their attachment style may be getting in the way of their want for a relationship with someone, it can be very easy for an Avoidant or Anxious-Avoidant style to look for ways the Universe is telling them to go.
What does this mean? What should I do? What is the Universe trying to tell me? Is this a sign?
What to make of the signs we see from the Universe can get confusing, can’t it? And with so much input coming at us at all times combined with the constant questioning we often do, we can absolutely get ourselves into analysis paralysis. Going round and round in circles to no avail and certainly not to any solution. Once this happens, the gifts from the Universe don’t necessarily feel like gifts anymore, but more like burdens to try and make decisions about. Burdens that can have a lot attached, so much hitched upon.
You can be manifesting all the right things, all the good stuff. The Universe can be sending you exactly what you’re asking for. The energy you’re working on creating in and around your life could be shifting and levitating you to a higher place. It can all be amazing. But, if you’re not clear on the style of attachment you operate from, you could be missing some very real, very tangible signs that you’re making a move based on your attachment style as opposed to the Universe, especially if you'r attachment style falls into the Avoidant or Anxious-Avoidant categories.
Before you go down the black hole of analyzing what exactly is going on here, or if it’s too late and you’re already there, take a few very slow, very deep breaths and keep on reading.
Is it real or highly romanticized?
One of the questions that can help you put a pause in the cycling thought loop is to ask yourself whether the situation(s) or person you’re thinking of is real, based on real evidence, real conversation, and real life or if he or she exists mostly in your head. Look for the evidence and be very honest with yourself about this. Our minds have a tendency to show us what we want to see. Instead of allowing a thought to take space in your heart, dig deep and find what’s actually happened to answer that question. Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed if you found that you’ve been romanticizing. Romanticizing is hope and imagination, creativity and so many good things. It can also lead you down a path of unrealistic expectations and be misleading.
What do I know to be true about myself and the ways in which I relate to others?
Take a look back at your previous relationships, situations you’ve been in that feel familiar to you or times you’ve had similar experiences. As you reflect on these, also reflect on whether or not you can spot patterns in your behavior, attitudes, moods or anything that may feel even the slightest bit parallel. If you can see similarities, it might be time to take a closer look at your attachment style versus the way the Universe is showing up for you. I love the book Attached, by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. I highly recommend reading it to learn more about the four differing attachment styles and to take a closer look at the one you may find yourself in.
How can you choose yourself here?
It’s a common feeling to be caught between two options when making big decisions. If you’re considering that the Universe may be responsible for this, take a step back. The Universe delivers, and often times it delivers when it thinks you’re ready and keeps delivering even if you may not be. It’s not going to give up on you, even if you don’t choose to take the option you may think it’s presenting you, this time around.
Life isn’t so binary, even though we can sometimes see it that way. Asking yourself how to choose what’s right for you can be a very difficult, very noisy question to add to the mix of already overwhelming thoughts happening in your head. But if you take away all the noise, all the what if’s, the catastrophizing, the spirals of thought, and focus on you, what do you hear? Regardless of the options at hand, how can you choose yourself? What would that look like? What does that mean?
What do I learn from this? Vs. What can I learn from this?
Instead of forcing yourself to understand what the Universe is trying to tell you, putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and figuring out which way to turn, pull back a second and taker a wider-angle look. Change the question you’re asking from “What do I learn from this?” to “What can I learn from this?” or even, “What do I want to learn from this?” What could you learn or come away with here that might make you feel more secure?
While I realize I’ve given you more questions and thoughts to reflect on, they’re not meant to overwhelm you. Use these as a way to quiet your mind from the other noise in your head and hone in on the questions and reflections that center around your attachment style. Remember, as Gabby Bernstein says, “the Universe has your back,” no matter when or where. Trust it, and trust yourself too.
