Have You Heard of "Shadow" Work?

When left unchecked, shadow can feel like shame and fear on the inside and look like hate and anger on the outside.

I love the scene in the Disney version of Peter Pan when Peter flies into the Darlings’ nursery, crashing into drawers and walls trying to gain hold of his shadow so he can sew in back onto the bottom of his feet. It’s the first time we’re introduced to Peter and his shadow - and of course, Tinkerbell. Peter Pan is probably one of my favorite cartoons to watch because the idea of “never growing up” is so timeless. But this particular scene in the movie is much like our relationship to our own shadows.

What is a shadow?

Our shadows, in the context of shadow work, is the space occupied by our subconscious or unconscious self, the part of us that we often don’t want to be just flying around, out there in the public eye. It’s the part of us that we will do pretty much whatever we need to do in order to keep under wraps, under control and certainly holding a tight grip on.

The concept of shadow was first created by psychoanalyst Carl Jung, who talked about shadow in terms of the other part of our Self that we keep in the dark. The part that was something to be discovered behind closed doors, in the privacy of a therapy room. However, the work of the shadow is gaining great popularity as so many of us strive to seek a more conscious and connected self as opposed to just one version. So how do we begin and why would we want to?

Why is it important?

Because it lies beneath the surface of our consciousness yet still within our Self, our shadow is just as much a part of us as our consciousness. When it’s not brought to light, we lack an awareness and understanding of it and how it impacts our Self. When left unchecked, shadow can feel like shame and fear on the inside and look like hate and anger on the outside. Instead of getting curious and allowing for wonder and expanse, we judge and constrict, keeping our shadow under wraps and under control; only allowing for one idea or ideal.

The danger in this is that it keeps us small and contained in lower level thought processes that are fed through more unchecked shadow and constriction. This creates a divide - even among friends and people of common interests - because the less aware you are of your shadows and the role they play in your life, the less able you’re able to show up as your full, transparent self in the world. Not being curious about where your thoughts, feelings and behaviors come from also lends itself to not being curious about others’ as well. And relationships - deep, connected, meaningful relationships - aren’t created in one-dimensional silos. They’re created by a process of discovery.

Shadow Work

The process of self-discovery and shadow work requires curiosity first. Bringing light to the shadow, lifting the veil to uncover what lies beneath, is an exploration of curiosity that starts with focusing on a feeling. Being able to identify what you feel while you’re actively feeling the emotion, allows for a crack in the doorway to begin to open and allow this curiosity to further widen the entry.

Spending time in the space and getting curious about what you see, feel and the thoughts around it is the first step in the process of shadow work. However shadow work in a relationship is a two-part process, pretty much most of the time. The first part is your own self-discovery, your own curiosity and observation. The second part is bringing your partner with you on that journey. This looks like sharing what you’ve observed about yourself, what the process of this work has been like for you and getting curious about where you’re headed with the work you’re doing.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Working on gaining awareness into your shadow requires asking. yourself a few questions: What is this feeling in your body? Can you describe it? Can you give it a color, a weight? Does it remind you of anything else? These questions deepen the curiosity and allow for openings in the doorway. Can you hold that feeling and write about it or describe it to someone, placing it outside your body as a three-dimensional object? Can you hold the feeling as though it’s not a part of you?

As though you’re telling your partner a story, share with him or her more than just the outline of the work you’re doing but what you’ve discovered. The vulnerability and the connection is in the details of this work, regardless of what your partner thinks. If we’re truly seeking the deep, connected relationships we say we want, then doing the work of being willing to stand alone is exactly how we get there.