Why “I’m sorry” Isn’t always enough
We all know the words, “I’m sorry.” Anyone can say them and we’re taught to say them from an early age when it comes to making right someone we’ve wronged. Yet why is it that these words do not always heal our pain? Why is that sometimes when someone apologizes it ends up actually pissing us off more?
Like anything, tone and meaning play a huge role in language. So there’s the obvious “the way it’s said” observation. But what about the times when “sorry” is as sincere as it gets, but it still doesn’t do it?
In those times, there could be a few reasons why the apology isn’t as soothing as it sounds.
#1: It felt too soon. When an apology happens yet you’re not done processing what happened, an “I’m sorry,” can feel more like an abrupt stop. You may need more face time, process time, or communication time before you’re ready to actually feel the apology. You might also need time to sit with the event or incident that occurred to figure out what you need. If you’re not ready to hear an apology, instead of prematurely accepting one, ask your partner to hold onto until you can sit with what happened a minute.
#2: The apology was the end of the conversation and not the beginning. Don’t confuse an apology with a band-aid. It’s more like physical therapy. Something happened, hurt was caused, trust was broken. The meaning in the apology grows as the other acts of love like trust, transparency and communication are built back up. If you’re having a hard time talking about what happened without feeling shut down, try setting aside some time to talk, sending a list of questions or a letter to your partner, or ask them to just listen and not speak at parts of your conversation.
#3: The apology “turned the tables.” You’re hurting and need care and comforting which is what you’re seeking. But instead the conversation ended up about the other person’s hurt and now you feel bad. How did that happen? Hurting someone actually hurts and it’s incredibly difficult to stay in the pain you know you caused. While you may be thinking, “good,” the truth is, it’s an empathy skill that most of us struggle with. Watching someone you love sit in the pain you’ve caused them is, well, incredibly painful. Most of us, in a situation of that caliber, want it to stop and we’re hoping the apology will yield relief. It’s understandable, but it doesn’t yield healing, only distance and anger. Instead, if you’re struggling getting your partner to stop turning things around, try asking him or her what they’re feeling and what that’s like for them. Then, while holding their reality in mind, now knowing what you know, also express what you feel and what you need as well. Finally, taking your conversation to a couples therapist to help navigate the conversation can be especially beneficial if the pattern of your conversation doesn’t feel like it’s creating healing or traction for either of you.
