Are you creating a culture of judgement in your relationship?
Judgement. It’s everywhere and in every realm and phase of life.
We worry about it or we do it (one of the two) even when we don’t mean to. Sometimes out of a bad habit that’s been around awhile, and sometimes on purpose. And whether you’ve worked on it or not, have a reason for it (that you’ve convinced yourself of) or don’t, it’s there.
The feeling of being judged is a unique and very personal experience for most of us because the act in and of itself can speak to the parts of ourselves we already feel insecure about. And it’s also a very personal and unique experience to pass judgement because of course, we often judge others based on our perceptions of perfection, and imperfections along with comparisons of our own. But judgement, regardless of how we get to it, can be incredibly damaging to the culture of your partnership.
Judgement has no positive space in a relationship whatsoever and here’s why: When judgement is present as part of a partner culture, then there doesn’t leave much room for mistake-making, vulnerability or trust. And that’s a setup since as humans, we all make mistakes, missteps and have moments we’re not our best selves. In fact, those are the most raw, vulnerable parts of life. We partner with people not just to share positive, fun moments, but to also grow together in the raw, human ones.
Comparison and a lack of trust are sidearms of a judgement culture.
We judge because we compare others’ actions to our own. We struggle with trust when we are uncertain of responses from the people who love us the most. If I worry that your response will hurt me, then I might just not lean into you for it. How does that create depth and intimacy? If your partner can’t go to you to ask you for help for a fear of being judged by you, then who can he or she go to? And is that what you really want, deep down, to send your partner away? Probably not. If you’re a human being then you crave intimacy and connection as much as the next person except you’re in fact, shielding yourself from it instead.
And how about vulnerability, the deepest, most raw parts of ourselves? Who do we show that to? Once again, if judgement shows up as the audience for you or your partner’s bids of vulnerability...I mean, vulnerability’s hard enough without knowing you’re going to be judged for it, let alone having a guarantee you will be.
Be honest with yourself about the judgement you hold for your partner and why it’s there.
What do you care what he or she does?
How do your partner’s actions truly affect you?
Do they affect the way you parent and the type of parent you are?
Affect your mood?
Your sense of well-being or even safety and security in the relationship?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these, then ask yourself how and even more importantly why. Talk about that. Talk about your how and why as much as you can, so you can let go of judging one another. Back it up a bit and try gaining some perspective and understanding of yourself and your partner and the patterns you’ve created in your relationship.
